“So, you imitated us?”
“No, its not like that”
“Then tell me how it is, because I’d really love an explanation right now”
She lifted her hand to her brow and slowly rubbed her forehead, the intensity of everything was crashing down around her. This must be what a press conference is like, she thought to herself. Except this wasn’t a press conference. It was one way. He was asking for answers but they both knew he already knew the answers and it didn’t look good for her.
She couldn’t bring herself to look up, but she knew she had to. Their eyes met briefly before she tore them away- it was electrifying. He was staring directly into her soul deep inside her but the rage and jealousy reflected in his gaze was palpable.
She was on her knees desperately trying to retrace her steps.
He gave an exasperated sigh. “Have you ANY idea how I feel?!”
With this she felt a knot in her stomach. She realised she had always kept him at arms length, never truly letting him in.
“All I wanted was for you to be happy, it was ALL FOR YOU!”
Her chest tightened as she heard the raw emotion spilling out of him.
“Even now, even now you can’t even tell me! LOOK AT ME!”
She couldn’t move. She was rooted to the spot in the front room, on her knees.
She was acutely aware of life around her, in the distance she could hear childrens voices playing and the birds were singing. It was a beautiful day, and yet she was outside of it all, outside of time itself.
“What went wrong between us? It could have been so good- I would have given you what you needed, you could have been so happy. Yet instead……..instead, you took my gifts to you- and gave them away, wasted them. With people you could never have, they would never understand you or make you happy, not like I could have done.”
With that he sat down.
She started to cry. “I’m so sorry” she whispered “I don’t know what else to say”
He continued his voice heavy with sorrow “I gave you the world. It could have been so perfect……..I loved you”
Quietly she began “This is all my fault….I know….. I am so sorry. It just…….wasn’t enough for me” Her gaze was still fixed on the square of carpet directly in front of her. She sensed him stiffen and slightly turn towards her. “WASN’T ENOUGH?!” He sighed and his body relaxed again “It was all you could have hoped for and more”.
She lifted her eyes to look at him his head was in his hands and he was crying silent tears. The knot grew more, tears welled in her eyes. The realisation of how she had at first distanced herself, then ignored him until such a point where she had just about abandoned him. Would she have remembered him if he hadn’t shown up today? She always came back to him eventually, usually when the chips were down, when she needed something from him. How materialistic she had become. In his presence, all of that seemed so irrelevant, so…..vain. All of a sudden, other people didn’t seem so important- their ideas and values, their understanding and perception of her, seemed so utterly useless. Their testimony of her would be of no relevance to him. He didn’t know them, so how could he take their word for anything?
“You know me better than I know myself” he didn’t move. The pain across his face said enough. She wanted to touch him, to extend something of herself to him, to comfort him, yet she couldn’t, she had no right. She lost that privilege a long time ago.
“You don’t need me” she said.
There was a pause as the truth of the words settled in the room.
“True” he whispered finally, “I don’t need you” he looked directly at her “But I want you….because I love you.”
“Please don’t leave me” she whispered tears streaming down her face.
“Because I DO need you.”
13th June 2010